Chris Rock on Relationships

“Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say,

‘Fuck you!

Fuck ya hopes!

Fuck ya dreams!

Fuck ya plans!

Fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you!

Now let’s go out there and try to make this bitch happy!'”

How To Break Up

The best way to break up with someone is in the heat of the moment when you are completely fed up with their shit. Ideally, that moment should be after a small spat over something that two normal people should never fight so hard about.

For example, let’s delve into a completely hypothetical scenario on a hypothetical Sunday afternoon. Let’s say your significant other offers to bring you food. She offers to bring it from a place you both have been to many times before. They serve rotisserie chicken (maybe the best in town) and french fries, which hypothetical you loves and can already taste.

She brings home the food and to your surprise, she hasn’t brought you any of those fries you were anticipating. It wasn’t a hypothetical accident. She decided that there would be no point in bringing you fries because they would probably be hypothetically cold and not very good by the time she hypothetically got them home to you.

Hypothetically speaking, you really wanted those fries, but you can’t be hypothetically mad at her because she was doing something nice for you. But you still feel some type of hypothetical way. You try to make it clear to her that you appreciate her bringing the food, but you are in your hypothetical feelings about not having any of the fries you were anticipating.

She asks you a question.

You hesitate to respond because you know that if you respond you may say something negative. You don’t mean to direct your hypothetical negative energy at her but you can’t help your new mood.

Your hesitation sparks her aggravation.

From her hypothetical perspective, you should be thankful. She waited an extra hypothetical 20 minutes for your hypothetical food so it would be hypothetically hot and brought it all the way across hypothetical town and home to hypothetical you. And you have the hypothetical audacity to be mad about something?

Hypothetically, this is probably the 5th time you have fought all weekend. You fought once as you walked up to the haunted house to meet with another couple, whom are still in the early phase of their relationship. You began to fight after leaving the haunted house. You fought about something else on the highway, and that fight carried all the way over to the parking lot of the bar where you were meeting those same friends for the second half of the evening. You and she got out of the car in full blaze and your couple friends had to separate you at the bar and talk each of you back to normal so the night could be salvaged instead of spending their time together. Eventually you both have had enough to drink that you go back to enjoying each other’s company, even after the other couple has called it a night. All is well until the next day when she doesn’t bring home french fries.

I – I mean, hypothetical you – wasn’t even mad at her about the fries. But you needed to be allowed to feel what you felt and left alone to get back to normal, and she didn’t give you that. So, you fought about the principals behind the argument until you got fed up to the point of asking for your engagement ring back. And now you’re sitting here looking at apartments because you are moving out.

And that’s how you break up with someone.

Welcome To The Future, Marty

Nice jacket vest thing, bro..

Anyway, cars don’t fly or anything but they can be hijacked with a laptop.

Ain’t no real hoverboard. Lexus gave it their best shot before you got here. They made one out of an e-cigarette but it’s probably not what you’re expecting. The best you’ll get is in Los Angeles. Yeah they all stopped walking and ride around on automated sideways scooters with no handlebars now.

We got a black President. Yeah, bruh.. He’s wrapping up his second term and everything. He’s just a figure head tho. The Kardashian/Jenners run the country. You’re gonna wanna Google them later, then try as hard as you can to forget.

Google? Oh they rule the internet. Yeah that’s this other dimension we have here where everybody talks constantly about things that don’t matter and portray themselves as whatever they want to be. Yeah it’s the greatest most terrible thing we came up with in the last 30 years.

Also, here’s your smartphone. Your whole life and your connection to the world is in that so don’t lose it or drop it. In fact, you may wanna just graft it onto your body somewhere. Also, be prepared to worship it hourly..

I do have some bad news though.. The glaciers are melting and there’s way too many of us so don’t have any kids.. They won’t make it. Yeah it’s a whole weird thing. The oil industry makes enough money to fund the government and continually elect politicians who don’t believe in science. And the rest of us are too busy watching reality TV and tweeting about the next big scandal to do anything about it.

A’ight man. Enjoy the future. I’m ’bout to go stare at a computer monitor for 12 hours so I can afford to buy booze on the weekend.