One of my favorite movie songs
I want you to know that I will always feel a way about you. I want you to understand that the me that you may see in this blog or online is not the me that feels this way about you. This me is a selfish me that is doing whatever I need to for me without consideration for anyone else. Avoid that version of me. That me is supposed to be in a cage somewhere but I let him out long ago so he roams free with no regard. However, I want you to know what the me that loves you feels about you.
I want you to know that you are fucking beautiful. You are beautiful in more ways than I can count. I love your brown skin. I love your hair (natural or relaxed). I love your eye lashes. I love your laugh. I love how genuine you sound when you say “bye” at the end of a phone call. I love your facial expressions (you should be an emoji). I love that you try new things. I love that you always try to be your best self. I love that you stay close to your mom no matter how rocky the relationship feels sometimes. I love that you talk to your father just about every day. I love that you never lied to me. I love that you never played games with my head. I love that you have always allowed me to be insecure and human without punishing me for it.
I love that you are delicate. I am sorry I was not able to handle your sensitivity responsibly. I love that you love tango more than just about anything. I am sorry that I do not love tango the same. I love that you want to play an equal role in your relationship. I am sorry that we could not agree on what equality meant. I love that you have faith in something greater than you. I am sorry I was never able to have the same level of faith. I love that you tried to do things to make me happy. I am sorry that those things did not always make me happy. I love that you do your best at work. I am sorry that I don’t always match that level of effort. I love that you felt it was time to be the best you when we got engaged. I am sorry that I was not ready to be the best me. I love that there is no one else in the world like you. I am sorry that I am not the one for you.
I want you to find someone who knows how beautiful you are. I want you to find someone who believes in God, Jesus, and the Bible and will help you grow in that. I want you to find someone who will take you dancing whenever you want. I want you to find someone who is never too busy for you. I want you to find someone who will never ignore or reject you. I want you to find someone to be happy with.
If you don’t find someone like that, I want you to know that it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s because men don’t deserve angels.
You are going to be ok no matter what. Just keep going after what you want and take care of yourself.
I am thankful for Netflix
I am thankful for breadstix
I am thankful for Shock Top
I am thankful for hip hop
I am thankful for Aziz Ansari tho
I am thankful for Super Mario
I am thankful for Catan
I am thankful for plain naan
I am thankful for Moski & Punky
I am thankful I’m only an internet junky
I am thankful for XBox One
I am thankful for the clip on man bun
I am thankful for the man that raised me, my dad
I am thankful for the option to be lazy, my bad..
I am thankful for sunshine
I am thankful for a fun time
I am thankful for the 90s
I am thankful I don’t need a shiny timepiece
I am thankful for the force
I am thankful for divorce
I am thankful for Bluetooth
I am thankful for new shoes
I am thankful for my Mac Book
I am thankful my step mom taught me to cook
I am thankful for bandaids
I am thankful my dad taught me to landscape
I am thankful for everything I have been through
I am thankful for the strength to continue
I am thankful for orgasms
I am SO thankful for orgasms
I am thankful for being black and having rhythm
I am thankful for a high metabolism
I am thankful for Louis CK
I am thankful for sales on eBay
I am thankful for urban soul music
I am thankful for technology and knowing how to use it
I am thankful for Instagrams and Snapchats
I am thankful for a pretty smile and a fat ass
I am thankful for coffee and booze
I am thankful for eyes and boobs
I am thankful for my birth in 1984
I am thankful I’m not too young for anything anymore
I am thankful for my white mother
I am thankful I can check “other”
I am thankful for these gas prices
I am thankful for the last slices
I am thankful for education
I am thankful for graduation
I am thankful for penetration
I am thankful for masturbation
I am thankful you’re still reading
I am thankful I’m not bleeding
I am thankful for love and angels
I am thankful that I can be thankful
“I’m too real for reality TV” -Tahiry on Brilliant Idiots podcast
Whenever I meet someone new I allow myself to get wrapped up in the fantasy of who they are before I really even allow myself to get to know them. I assume it is a feature of my personality due to something I lacked in my childhood, but I’m no psychologist. Naturally, this is a recipe for tragedy. I meet someone and attach to some basic features of attraction (pretty face, nice body, smart, funny, attentive, etc) and my right brain fills in the rest.
This can lead me to make bad decisions. You see, I went on a date on Thursday. However, I still live with my ex-fiancée who was wearing my ring not much more than a month before this date. It was too soon for so many reasons. My friends knew it. My cats knew it. I knew it. But I set in motion the inevitability of it. It’s like being a recovered heroin addict and having a moment of weakness where you meet a drug dealer and instead of running in the opposite direction, you save his number in your phone. Because of that decision alone, you are already dead.
I crave human connection. It’s why I’m so hardcore on social media. It’s why I blog. It’s why I got on Tinder. Getting on Tinder was me taking a stroll through the seedy district of town. On the surface I was telling myself, “I just need to see the area. Once I see the area I will feel better.” It’s not true, but in this state you don’t really know that. You’re being tricked by yourself.
So I joined Tinder just to get a little boost of self esteem. Get a couple of matches and I will feel better about myself and be able to continue down the healthier path of this break up. But of course, the moment I get a match is the moment I get a text from the drug dealer saying “wanna score?” or whatever the fuck a heroin dealer would say.
This is the moment of truth. The moment you either realize you fucked up and make the hard decision to walk away, or you continue pretending you can handle this. More power to you if you made the right choice but I did not. So one friend is telling me daily that I’m fucking up until I finally tell him his opinion is man anus and I am not and will never be interested.
An event comes up. Something I could go to by myself but.. well.. I’ve been texting this new person I matched with on Tinder for about a week now so why not meet her. I mean.. She’s cute, she seems cool, she’s free.. It’s fate
It’s umm.. It’s fate. The stars have aligned for me to be able to take out this new person who may or may not be the one or at least a good one.
yo.. that’s a lot of shit to be thinking of someone whose voice you haven’t heard yet
No.. We haven’t spoken but we’ve texted a bit. She responds to my text messages and she finds me somewhat amusing.
wow.. well I guess you owe cupid some sexual favors. I didn’t know he worked through Tinder. Seems a bit shallow for his style.. and yours..
What’s wrong with Tinder? There’s some decent people on there. And her in particular, she’s gotta be decent. I mean.. Her profile says no hook ups..
it says that because she’s tired of getting fucked and forgotten since she’s been on Tinder.. maybe.. The point is, you know nothing. So stop overthinking
If I could stop overthinking, I would have a very different life.. And scene.
There is a comfort (and a fear, but let’s focus) in the unknown. I finished Master of None on Netflix the other day and felt some type of way about the episode about hitting your 30s being the time when the path ahead for the rest of your life becoming clear and without surprises.. and how scary that is..
When you don’t know someone, but you like them and you have a mind like mine, unless they exhibit one of your red flags, they will fit the mold of what you want because your mind will make them into that. And you will do too much too soon. All I did was go out on a date. But I told myself and my ex-fiancée that I would not date at least until she moved out to prevent her from having to deal with that from me so soon. And then Thursday night I was out until 3am. “Hangin out” I texted when she reached out after realizing she hadn’t seen me all day.
It was shitty of me.
Our mutual friend who knew for sure I was on a date because she saw that I tweeted about it and had recently spoken to my ex-fiancée who recently vented about how shitty of a roommate I have become texted me to let me know “I am worried that u may be turning into a jerk.”
Nah. Just a moment of weakness and the fantasy won. But I’m conscious now..
This pressure ain’t for everybody..
This too shall pass..