The Reality of Fantasy

“I’m too real for reality TV” -Tahiry on Brilliant Idiots podcast

Whenever I meet someone new I allow myself to get wrapped up in the fantasy of who they are before I really even allow myself to get to know them. I assume it is a feature of my personality due to something I lacked in my childhood, but I’m no psychologist. Naturally, this is a recipe for tragedy. I meet someone and attach to some basic features of attraction (pretty face, nice body, smart, funny, attentive, etc) and my right brain fills in the rest.

This can lead me to make bad decisions. You see, I went on a date on Thursday. However, I still live with my ex-fiancée who was wearing my ring not much more than a month before this date. It was too soon for so many reasons. My friends knew it. My cats knew it. I knew it. But I set in motion the inevitability of it. It’s like being a recovered heroin addict and having a moment of weakness where you meet a drug dealer and instead of running in the opposite direction, you save his number in your phone. Because of that decision alone, you are already dead.

I crave human connection. It’s why I’m so hardcore on social media. It’s why I blog. It’s why I got on Tinder. Getting on Tinder was me taking a stroll through the seedy district of town. On the surface I was telling myself, “I just need to see the area. Once I see the area I will feel better.” It’s not true, but in this state you don’t really know that. You’re being tricked by yourself.

So I joined Tinder just to get a little boost of self esteem. Get a couple of matches and I will feel better about myself and be able to continue down the healthier path of this break up. But of course, the moment I get a match is the moment I get a text from the drug dealer saying “wanna score?” or whatever the fuck a heroin dealer would say.

This is the moment of truth. The moment you either realize you fucked up and make the hard decision to walk away, or you continue pretending you can handle this. More power to you if you made the right choice but I did not. So one friend is telling me daily that I’m fucking up until I finally tell him his opinion is man anus and I am not and will never be interested.

An event comes up. Something I could go to by myself but.. well.. I’ve been texting this new person I matched with on Tinder for about a week now so why not meet her. I mean.. She’s cute, she seems cool, she’s free.. It’s fate

wait.. what?

It’s umm.. It’s fate. The stars have aligned for me to be able to take out this new person who may or may not be the one or at least a good one.

yo.. that’s a lot of shit to be thinking of someone whose voice you haven’t heard yet

No.. We haven’t spoken but we’ve texted a bit. She responds to my text messages and she finds me somewhat amusing.

wow.. well I guess you owe cupid some sexual favors. I didn’t know he worked through Tinder. Seems a bit shallow for his style.. and yours..

What’s wrong with Tinder? There’s some decent people on there. And her in particular, she’s gotta be decent. I mean.. Her profile says no hook ups..

it says that because she’s tired of getting fucked and forgotten since she’s been on Tinder.. maybe.. The point is, you know nothing. So stop overthinking

If I could stop overthinking, I would have a very different life.. And scene.

There is a comfort (and a fear, but let’s focus) in the unknown. I finished Master of None on Netflix the other day and felt some type of way about the episode about hitting your 30s being the time when the path ahead for the rest of your life becoming clear and without surprises.. and how scary that is..

When you don’t know someone, but you like them and you have a mind like mine, unless they exhibit one of your red flags, they will fit the mold of what you want because your mind will make them into that. And you will do too much too soon. All I did was go out on a date. But I told myself and my ex-fiancée that I would not date at least until she moved out to prevent her from having to deal with that from me so soon. And then Thursday night I was out until 3am. “Hangin out” I texted when she reached out after realizing she hadn’t seen me all day.

It was shitty of me.

Our mutual friend who knew for sure I was on a date because she saw that I tweeted about it and had recently spoken to my ex-fiancée who recently vented about how shitty of a roommate I have become texted me to let me know “I am worried that u may be turning into a jerk.”

Nah. Just a moment of weakness and the fantasy won. But I’m conscious now..

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