Love & War

I’m just a dude who loves love music. And every serious adult relationship I have had began and ended with a song.


The first thing that I found intriguing about her was that Boyz II Men was her favorite. Boyz II Men is great, but I just couldn’t imagine someone my age or younger than me having them as their favorite. We had the entire 90s right behind us at this point and there was so much good R&B music to choose from, but Boyz II Men is what did it for her. So I’ll Make Love To You soon became our song. An appropriate song considering we lost our virginity together. Ironically, the same song may have been the beginning of a long end for us as I recall the day I kissed another girl while she and I were together and this very song was playing at the time. I confessed it to her the very next day, telling her about the song playing and everything, completely ruining the song for her from that day forth. We still stayed together for years after, hurting each other in various ways until one day we were sitting in the car in the parking lot of my apartment complex completely fed up with each other when a very sad song played.

We were together for another 7 fucking years after that day, but if she and I weren’t such broken people, it wouldn’t have gone as long. This song always comes to mind when I think of how that relationship played out. We broke up when I moved to Tampa and she spent a night out and never called me back until the next ay with no remorse. It was easy that day to walk away.


I think we found something we needed in each other the very day we met, which felt like serendipity. The sister of an old friend reached out to welcome me to Tampa with a visit. She brought her good friend along. We both talk about the first moments we saw each other and admit the attraction was immediate. She spotted me sitting in my car when they pulled up and says she had to catch her breath. I saw her when she first walked into the apartment and just thought “whoa..” That day, I shared the depth of my agnosticism and this poor Christian girl was intrigued. The months after entailed my pursuit. We rode back from Miami one day and I recalled explaining to her everything that had to happen for us to get here, to experience each other. I had to meet my high school sweetheart, Laura. I had to never truly have a conversation with her little sister, Candi. Laura, long after she and I decided to just be friends, had to find religion. Her religion had to lead her to a trip to Missouri where she met and connected with Jenny. The two of them eventually had to move in together and she introduced Jenny to the aforementioned sister, and they also connected. Laura moved away, but Candi and Jenny become good friends. When I moved to town, Candi had to reach out, at the last minute bringing Jenny with her. And the rest history. It felt like fate at the time. But eventually Miguel played the outro as well.

I had the album but I completely missed the song until after a really bad fight. The song made me realize I may have been fighting for something I didn’t deserve. Jenny and I were just too different. She resented me for not developing my religion and instead remaining agnostic. We stopped spending constructive time together. Things only got worse after I proposed. I started a second job and had no free time for her or anything else. For her it felt like I wasn’t contributing in the way that she was. Our differences eventually lead to the smallest, dumbest fight we ever had. The principle was over consideration, but the gist of the fight was over french fries. We didn’t recover and I broke off the engagement.


The song doesn’t speak so much to the relationship itself but more so to how we felt about the song itself and about each other. The song had already been around for some time before we discovered it. Just the same, she and I were friends on Facebook for quite awhile before she sent me a random message on Instagram to begin the connection. We fell hard and easy. We both had been missing something in our previous relationships that we felt we got from one another. Passion. Intensity. Fire. It didn’t take long for the infatuation to take over full force. Maybe it was love. Idk. But the fire has since turned harsh. Now we can’t speak. We cuss. We yell. I can’t stand the way she gets when she is angry, and she has a short fuse. She feels like I don’t care about her because I don’t want marriage or kids. There is nothing positive left. Just ferocity. I don’t have a song for this end yet, though if I were to put a song to it based on the raw energy, this might be it..

There is no communication. Just wildfire. The break up is still happening. I had to block her number to prevent from hearing all the things she claimed to once love about me be used as weapons against me. I can’t tell if that or the loneliness itself is contributing to my current feeling of emptiness.. My need to write again. So naturally I am running through the memories to cope. Here’s to getting back to me. I don’t think this relationship shit is for me.


Published by

Remy Mulatto

I do a few things..

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