This is yet another brilliant idea of mine. I was talking to a new mom friend of mine yesterday. She just recently created her second life. I have not created any lives. Ever since she and I started hanging out back in 2011 I decided that she and I were pretty much the same kind of person. In reality we are vastly different, but we had several parallel personality traits and drives. We don’t speak much anymore ever since she moved away, got married, and started making babies. Not to mention we were once a pretty tight trio including my ex-girlfriend. So things are very different now. Everyone is in a very different place.
She was talking to me about how her daughter in her terrible twos doesn’t listen. After having my nephew live with me at that age, I learned you really only have two choices with children at this level. You can spank them or you can bribe them. What terrible choices. I personally have the policy of not negotiating with terrorists, so I refused to bribe my nephew, regardless of the fact that his mother kept chips or candy on hand to get him under control. Not me. I would just suplex that little boy.
It’s exhausting. So here’s an idea. We need shock collars for kids. Before you call the authorities, hear me out. White people have ALREADY opened the door, putting those damn leashes on their babies. Baby leashes are perfect and necessary if you think about it. Babies are suicidal. They are looking for every opportunity to run out into traffic the second mom isn’t looking, and get their parents thrown in jail for neglect. Selfish little bastards. Of course they don’t know better. Anyway, since we already have leashes, why not go all the way and shock em to stop em.
“My whole life now is changing diapers and saying stop and sit down” -Candi
Ok I’m kidding. That’s not the idea. I actually brought up something during our conversation that made me wonder why this doesn’t exist. With millennials being so much more free and in tune with themselves, they aren’t getting married as much as their parents. Women in general are growing to be ok with not having a relationship and instead focusing on themselves and their career. It’s a new age and marriage is dead. However, marriage can’t die. At the moment, there is no better environment for a child to thrive than within a strong marriage. But strong marriages are a dime a dozen. So maybe it’s time to reinvent the wheel. And the funny thing is, we are almost there already. We have sperm banks and all of these avenues for individuals to become parents. Here’s another one that I think may be long overdue due to societal norms and how controversial it would be.
There are way too many dating sites. They all have one of several goals in mind. To set us up with someone to spend our lives with, or at the very least someone to spend the night with. All circumstances that ultimately lead to emotion filled relationships that often lead to children. Let’s get that emotion the fuck out of there. How about a “matchmaking” website that simply matches two people who want to pro-create. Before I continue, let’s ponder on this. As usual, let’s jump to a song or stand up comedy clip to further analyze the concept:
Louis CK feels like he is the best version of himself as a parent under his current circumstances of divorce. Think of what he had to do in order to get there. The roller coaster of a relationship that ultimately did not work out. Divorce (and the bad relationships that it stems from) fucks adults and kids up. I think it fucks kids up because it takes their normal, tears it apart, and puts it back together in a different way. Worse, sometimes the parents can’t work out a mature agreement the way Louis and his ex-wife have and the kids are caught in the hurricane of it. It’s not healthy.
So back to my idea. Give consenting adults a tool (website/app) to do research and make a conscious decision to co-parent children without the love or marriage to another person. It would simply be an agreement between two adults to create a new life together and split the parenting. It’s basically jumping to the divorce phase of a relationship without all of the feelings involved.
It would be the most controversial thing since the 2016 election. It would create a new issue for Republicans and Democrats to completely take opposite positions on like abortion or gun control. I can already see the website headquarters being fire-bombed by religious fanatics. I can also see the creator of the website essentially being crowned the next Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Bezos, or Steve Jobs as a forward thinker. Why? Because it would essentially pioneer yet another thing to enhance human beings beyond our current limitations. This is not to say that love is a limitation. Love is a beautiful thing. But at the same time it’s a drug and we often make bad decisions on drugs. However one’s love for their children. That’s probably the best love there is. There is nothing more powerful. So let’s stop coupling that love with the fleeting love that comes and goes with relationships and marriage. Forcing them together is probably what is creating so many fucked up human beings. I mean.. aside from all of the mayhem that goes on outside of rich countries.