Went to Improv’s open mic again tonight. I didn’t perform though due to lack of preparedness and stagefright. I was content with that because I expect the more I go I will get there eventually. Went to karaoke as well and watched friend perform a vibe killing country song with no fear or give a fuck at all. It was admirable.
Later that night I had a nightmare that I can only describe as being attacked by a physical embodiment of fear itself. There are no details that I can recall other than consistently trying to get away. I woke up prematurely utterly afraid to be back to sleep. I felt betrayed by my own mind. Then I started thinking. It’s MY mind. My desire to get away from whatever it was is the reason I was so afraid. The only way to deal with it is to face whatever it is. It’s not going to kill me.
It feels like a bit of an epiphany but the way my mind is set up I feel like I have those once a month. But I know how to face this particular fear and I know that until I do I will remain haunted by it.
I wrote some affirmations and went on a bike ride during the twilight hours and eventually got back to sleep. But I know it’s not gone. When it comes back I intend to be ready.
remthemulatto.wordpress.com 