Fear

Went to Improv’s open mic again tonight. I didn’t perform though due to lack of preparedness and stagefright. I was content with that because I expect the more I go I will get there eventually. Went to karaoke as well and watched friend perform a vibe killing country song with no fear or give a fuck at all. It was admirable.

Later that night I had a nightmare that I can only describe as being attacked by a physical embodiment of fear itself. There are no details that I can recall other than consistently trying to get away. I woke up prematurely utterly afraid to be back to sleep. I felt betrayed by my own mind. Then I started thinking. It’s MY mind. My desire to get away from whatever it was is the reason I was so afraid. The only way to deal with it is to face whatever it is. It’s not going to kill me.

It feels like a bit of an epiphany but the way my mind is set up I feel like I have those once a month. But I know how to face this particular fear and I know that until I do I will remain haunted by it.

I wrote some affirmations and went on a bike ride during the twilight hours and eventually got back to sleep. But I know it’s not gone. When it comes back I intend to be ready.

Day One

Last night I wrote some jokes and was gonna try them out on stage at an open mic. I was absolutely terrified. But I was just gonna fucking do it, win or lose. 11pm came around and my fiancée was ready to go (and so was I). A young ginger dude named Forrest finished performing and I wanted to throw him some kudos on an interesting racial joke he was working out before I left. Anyway while talking to him they called my name and I didn’t even notice. As we were leaving my fiancée told me they called me and I was relieved I missed it.

I realize how not ready I was and I actually am looking forward to going back next week better prepared. There also is another open mic tonight that I plan on going to that’s a bit more intimidating but we’ll see.